Friday, December 5, 2008

Once upon an awkward night...

Well, last night was a night full of several adventures. The function was...successful...ish? Helen met her soulmate, Glenn, as did we all. He smelled like stale cheese and crackers. 
It appeared that in order to combat the awkwardness that was the first hour or two of the night, many of the girls resorted to rapid-shot-intake. Because of this, there are many many stories to tell...
Myrtle pacified her oral fixation by biting Augusta. 
Ida danced away her blues and cut a rug at Sigma Nu.
Deborah, still not attending a formal, was looking forward to spending her weekend with Sig Ep's captured squirrel. Today we learned the sad, sad news that at some point last night the squirrel suffered a massive heart attack induced by frat raging. Deborah is distraught. 
Agnes came home to find Dorothy snuggling with Lucille in the top bunk. Lucille was begging Dorothy to leave, but Dorothy was just too cozy...
Esther and Pearl were unable to attend the function on account of Selling and Sales Stress. 
Montana was rudely accused by Sum Dum Ho of stealing her shoes. Amid the scuffle the words, "Bitch I didn't steal yo shoes!" were heard. Later, Montana realized that she may have actually stolen the said shoes...
Agnes entertained herself by telling young drunk bitches that she was captain of the dance team, they then showed her their splits and a short 8-count dance. She told them they were definitely PDT material. 
Wilma, always on the husband hunt, spent last night with Mr. Evan's Scholar, and then was savagely attacked via text message by a bitter and jealous Frank. 
Mildred allegedly took quite a memorable spill down the beautiful wooden staircase. Mildred denies the accusations, but an eye witness (Augusta) is sticking to their story. 
Frances found a last minute date to Black Diamond, and, in her words, "Omg you guys....I'm like seriously nervous...Omg."
Today was Fried Friday aka Orgasm in Mouth. (But not an ACTUAL orgasm in our mouths, but if any of you skanks recieve one this weekend I will totally out you via blog.)

UPDATE: Chester the Sig Ep squirrel is in fact alive. He was released into the West Lafayatte wild this afternoon, so Deborah still has no plans for the weekend. Unless another rodent is captured. 

Well kids, not much more to tell, I blacked out a little and lost all my field notes. I will be carrying a notebook from now on. 


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