Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I walk with a limp cause my nuts heavy...

Well seeing that you lovely butches (okay, I meant to type bitches but it came out butches and think thats funnier, and more accurate for some of you, especially Esther and her dyke bun that I encourage you all to pull out whenever you see.) So, it has been SO long that I am just going to comment on funny stories despite their recentness or relevance.
I will begin this blog by saying, as if people did not think Agnes was a fuck up already, she is now even more noticeable and prominent in the frat circuit (before, it was simply because of her recurring and somewhat frightening blackouts and horrible, horrible inappropriate sex, but now it is so much more.) She is the very very pretty, very very single, and very very drunk pathetic fat girl hobbling on her pimped out beer carrying crutches. Somehow I don't think this is going to help any of her imaginary relationships or their longevity. 
Now, in a close second on that laugh-at-list is our dearest little Pearl. Last time I wrote she was in a tumultuous relationship with Pokey. That has since ended (although, from what I can gather, Pokey is trying for a rekindling). Too bad for Pokey, because he, nor anyone else, can compete with....drumroll please....Oliver. I name him Oliver because his small stature and constant state of "illness" reminds me of the famous Charles Dickens orphan, Oliver Twist. And so he was Oliver...
If you are not familiar with Oliver, which I'm sure you all are because his name is constantly present in all conversations, despite lack of invitation, let me introduce.
Oliver is a tiny tiny man with, I hope, a penis the size of a Christmas tree because our sweet Pearl is a little Bella Cullen with him. Some say she has imprinted. I am thinking more of Kathy Bates in Misery though. Please google the reference.
Does anyone remember Vivian? Because I remember a Vivian that was vivacious, scandalous, borderline inappropriate and a girl whos sexcapades and blackouts made me much more comfortable with my own. But now I am living with a stranger. A woman who stays in on a Thursday to hang out with Maverick, her boyfriend. Although I am happy for Viv I cannot hide my displeasure at being the lone screwup of the group. Its too much attention, I would like to share the spotlight. 
And Esther. A while back, and I would just like to comment on this, Esther made Skinny Bitch's roomate cry and then laughed about it. Her heart is just like her inbox from Wes...empty. 
Deborah got peed on, again. 
Myrtle is having an affair with a sexy skinny sig ep that I will name Sven. She had sex hair so Sven served her superbly. In the biblical sense. 
Montana has a boyfriend and no more bruises on her face from unwanted oral sex. Now she welcomes it with open arms and legs.
Before I leave you I would like to remind you that patellas are fragile, Plan B is expensive, drunk sex is usually depressing and regretful, and vodka is good. But whatever you do I promise Agnes will outdo you eventually, so the attention and ridicule will only be on you for a short while.
Stay sweet, sistas
(I am in such an alliteration mood)

DJ is a homo. 


Friday, January 16, 2009

its so fucking cold that vodka is the only thing left to drink that isn't frozen.

Hello my little shitheads, I apologize for the hiatus, finals was a stressful week for us all, and syllabus week proved to be an event in itself, but now I am back with more juicy tidbits and witty banter than ever.
Lets start with the beginning of the week...
The fratmosphere was thick Sunday night, and the new style this season is...hair mustaches. Myrtle, blacked out, became some sort of drunk zombie. I hear, although I was not there to witness it, that Myrtle was seen, silent, one eye closed, awkwardly lingering by David Blake. That's just what I hear, Myrtle. Vivian also found herself in the bed of an interesting Indian man...how does the brown man taste, Viv?
Monday night was also a success, and Pearl was seen raging and performing her stellar dance moves in the middle of the great hall. She then vomited and awoke in Pokey's bed, fully clothed, while he was completely naked. I'm not completely sure what happened, but I think it was some weird, freaky, sacrificial sex game. I don't though, I just get that vibe.
Jersey Tuesday was a subdued affair, Agnes proved her utter lack of social skills, and the night ended with a rousing and embarassing game of Never Have I Ever...
Montana, just where did that bruise on your nose come from? A rousing game of hide and go seek? Role playing? Tae bo? No? Ohhhhhh, it was an awkward and uncoordinated attempt to prevent KC from tasting Southern Montana? Hmm....see Myrtle's story below.
Vivian redeemed herself when she shacked, innocently, with only a few tender kisses, with a Mr. Hatfield. Well played, sir, well played.
Thursday was a typical Thursday. Blackouts and casual sex. Nothing new.
SPOTTED: Prudence and Fusak whispering sweet nothings into eachother's ears at Beta. Our sweet and modest Prudence is reluctant to admit that their love is blossoming like a rosebud in the early spring, but I cannot be fooled.
Agnes had a wonderful night Saturday, in which she managed to lose the shittiest phone on Earth, her liscense, pee her pants on the front steps, and wake up on Esther's cozy, cozy floor. I say this proudly and unashamed. Myrtle, on the other hand, gave Clarence a delicious snack that was her most precious jewel. That jewel being her woman parts, and I hear he is hungry for more. Esther has been spotted, numerous times, having vulgar and detailed phone sex with Floyd. Not really, actually, but since she hasn't done anything really embarassing for me to make fun of her for I can only hope.
Ida. Ida. Ida. Ida like to motorboat those new breasts. Just kidding. Ida like to actually have some actual breasts, is the truth. Or nipples for that matter (Love you, Prude) Good work Ida, Ida just walk around topless, all day, if I were you.
I apologize if this is a lot of information for just one blog, and I vow to be more efficient and timely in the future. It's just that you can't rush art, and it's really exhausting for me to be this pretty and insanely smart at the same time, some would call it a curse. I guess I'll learn how to manage this incomparable charm and dashing good looks one day...
Until then,
p.s. Could someone please tell tubgirl to clean her mess up out of the third floor bathroom? Deb is here to sweep and dust, not wipe up enemic fluid. Next time she'll have to pay a fine.

Monday, December 8, 2008


I just learned how to add photos to the blog. Thought all of you should be warned...


Sunday, December 7, 2008

Formals, no formals, and emergency contraceptives...

Oh do I have goodies for you greedy little children. Its move in day AND formals weekend 
a blogger's dream. 
So, let us begin with Friday night. Not too much to tell aside from Agnes's pathetic appearance at FIJI post DU formal. Crying in a dress is always sad. Kevin can choke on a hotdog, though. Montana shacked with her number one shacker, Jorge at Kappa Sig, and wound up with some warm liquid all over her back. When I first heard this story, I thought it was going to get dirty and I was excited, but it turns out Jorge just couldn't hold his bladder and Montana's back seemed like a good place to relieve himself. Next time, maybe, Montana he'll give you the good stuff.
Teeheheheee now, Saturday. The day began as any other, but tension and hairspray use quickly escalated as time went on, and all of Mama Hen's little beautiful babies looked splendid, thanks to good genetics, BCBG, and a little help from Agnes. 
At dinner, I hear Pearl and Pokey were quite, quite close. Butterfly kisses? Absolutely! Pearl loved Pokey so much she just wanted to eat him up, and that explains why her fork was in his hair.
Esther and Floyd were supposedly the cutest couple there, which isn't surprising, since Floyd will be leaving us soon. It was especially touching when Esther was covered in a drink, slipped and fell in the puddle, and Floyd lovingly dragged her through the liquid in a frantic attempt to save her. How romantic and slippery. 
Frances had a good time on her Black Diamond blind date, so much so that she saw the purple loop as the appropriate spot to take that brave lean in for the kiss. Classy, Frances.
Blanche went to Blue although she had a boyfriend. The night went well, but it ended with her overserved date stating, "I just want to rip that dress off of you and GET IT ON." Wow, Blanche, I am really surprised that line didn't work on you. It had me unzipping my pants the second I heard it. Passionate with a touch of romance and urgency. And very well put. 
Wilma left Orchid to shack with Mr. Evan's Scholar again. The wedding's in June. 
Myrtle had a wonderful time with Bell, and Esther can mimic the makeout's sound affects so perfectly. Its an art form, really, Esther. It should also be noted that when passed out in his loft, Myrtle was heard asking "Who the fuck is that?!". Turns out it was simply Bell. Is that some sort of role playing you two do? Strangers in bed together, I like it.
Gertrude and Runny were also a notable couple. Not only did the two horndogs manage to sneak in  a quicky before going back to Sigma Crotch, but frisky little Gertie treated Runny to a happy hand job under the dinner table. (Que Wedding Crashers scene here). 
On a Move In note, the bowling alley was completely disinfected by its new inhabitants after the discovery of a rotting bowl of strawberries under one of the beds. The scene was described as "A plethora of shit". 
We should also take the time now to take a moment of silence for the missing girls who moved into the Annex today. The search is still on, as most were last seen around 4p.m. Please keep them in your prayers, we will meet again girls, we will meet again. 
I am so glad all of you had wonderful times at formals, not at formals, or binge drinking and having sad sex to attempt to fill the gaping black holes in your hearts. God speed children. 


Friday, December 5, 2008

Once upon an awkward night...

Well, last night was a night full of several adventures. The function was...successful...ish? Helen met her soulmate, Glenn, as did we all. He smelled like stale cheese and crackers. 
It appeared that in order to combat the awkwardness that was the first hour or two of the night, many of the girls resorted to rapid-shot-intake. Because of this, there are many many stories to tell...
Myrtle pacified her oral fixation by biting Augusta. 
Ida danced away her blues and cut a rug at Sigma Nu.
Deborah, still not attending a formal, was looking forward to spending her weekend with Sig Ep's captured squirrel. Today we learned the sad, sad news that at some point last night the squirrel suffered a massive heart attack induced by frat raging. Deborah is distraught. 
Agnes came home to find Dorothy snuggling with Lucille in the top bunk. Lucille was begging Dorothy to leave, but Dorothy was just too cozy...
Esther and Pearl were unable to attend the function on account of Selling and Sales Stress. 
Montana was rudely accused by Sum Dum Ho of stealing her shoes. Amid the scuffle the words, "Bitch I didn't steal yo shoes!" were heard. Later, Montana realized that she may have actually stolen the said shoes...
Agnes entertained herself by telling young drunk bitches that she was captain of the dance team, they then showed her their splits and a short 8-count dance. She told them they were definitely PDT material. 
Wilma, always on the husband hunt, spent last night with Mr. Evan's Scholar, and then was savagely attacked via text message by a bitter and jealous Frank. 
Mildred allegedly took quite a memorable spill down the beautiful wooden staircase. Mildred denies the accusations, but an eye witness (Augusta) is sticking to their story. 
Frances found a last minute date to Black Diamond, and, in her words, "Omg you guys....I'm like seriously nervous...Omg."
Today was Fried Friday aka Orgasm in Mouth. (But not an ACTUAL orgasm in our mouths, but if any of you skanks recieve one this weekend I will totally out you via blog.)

UPDATE: Chester the Sig Ep squirrel is in fact alive. He was released into the West Lafayatte wild this afternoon, so Deborah still has no plans for the weekend. Unless another rodent is captured. 

Well kids, not much more to tell, I blacked out a little and lost all my field notes. I will be carrying a notebook from now on. 


Thursday, December 4, 2008


Hello one and all, this is the first post of many on this wonderful new blog. So....

Today's News:
Vivian got her period. 
Pearl can't go out tonight because she's spending YET ANOTHER night giggling in Hicks with her soon-to-be-facebook official-boyfriend, Pokey. 
Montana was seen out of her Northface. It was a shocking moment, and many people still don't believe it. I was there and it was amazing. Like looking into the sky and seeing a shooting star. I made a wish.
Deborah is still looking for a date to ANY FORMAL AT ALL, on account that her boyfriend's house does nothing but build and tear down large boats. 
Prudence will shack for the second time in her life this weekend at Orchid. Vivian may need to give her the sex talk, we're not sure. (Prudence, let us know...)
Agnes still has no life. 

Not much news to report thus far, but after any Thursday night I'm sure there will be shackings, and other sorts of shananigans to tell.