Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I walk with a limp cause my nuts heavy...

Well seeing that you lovely butches (okay, I meant to type bitches but it came out butches and think thats funnier, and more accurate for some of you, especially Esther and her dyke bun that I encourage you all to pull out whenever you see.) So, it has been SO long that I am just going to comment on funny stories despite their recentness or relevance.
I will begin this blog by saying, as if people did not think Agnes was a fuck up already, she is now even more noticeable and prominent in the frat circuit (before, it was simply because of her recurring and somewhat frightening blackouts and horrible, horrible inappropriate sex, but now it is so much more.) She is the very very pretty, very very single, and very very drunk pathetic fat girl hobbling on her pimped out beer carrying crutches. Somehow I don't think this is going to help any of her imaginary relationships or their longevity. 
Now, in a close second on that laugh-at-list is our dearest little Pearl. Last time I wrote she was in a tumultuous relationship with Pokey. That has since ended (although, from what I can gather, Pokey is trying for a rekindling). Too bad for Pokey, because he, nor anyone else, can compete with....drumroll please....Oliver. I name him Oliver because his small stature and constant state of "illness" reminds me of the famous Charles Dickens orphan, Oliver Twist. And so he was Oliver...
If you are not familiar with Oliver, which I'm sure you all are because his name is constantly present in all conversations, despite lack of invitation, let me introduce.
Oliver is a tiny tiny man with, I hope, a penis the size of a Christmas tree because our sweet Pearl is a little Bella Cullen with him. Some say she has imprinted. I am thinking more of Kathy Bates in Misery though. Please google the reference.
Does anyone remember Vivian? Because I remember a Vivian that was vivacious, scandalous, borderline inappropriate and a girl whos sexcapades and blackouts made me much more comfortable with my own. But now I am living with a stranger. A woman who stays in on a Thursday to hang out with Maverick, her boyfriend. Although I am happy for Viv I cannot hide my displeasure at being the lone screwup of the group. Its too much attention, I would like to share the spotlight. 
And Esther. A while back, and I would just like to comment on this, Esther made Skinny Bitch's roomate cry and then laughed about it. Her heart is just like her inbox from Wes...empty. 
Deborah got peed on, again. 
Myrtle is having an affair with a sexy skinny sig ep that I will name Sven. She had sex hair so Sven served her superbly. In the biblical sense. 
Montana has a boyfriend and no more bruises on her face from unwanted oral sex. Now she welcomes it with open arms and legs.
Before I leave you I would like to remind you that patellas are fragile, Plan B is expensive, drunk sex is usually depressing and regretful, and vodka is good. But whatever you do I promise Agnes will outdo you eventually, so the attention and ridicule will only be on you for a short while.
Stay sweet, sistas
(I am in such an alliteration mood)

DJ is a homo.