Friday, January 16, 2009

its so fucking cold that vodka is the only thing left to drink that isn't frozen.

Hello my little shitheads, I apologize for the hiatus, finals was a stressful week for us all, and syllabus week proved to be an event in itself, but now I am back with more juicy tidbits and witty banter than ever.
Lets start with the beginning of the week...
The fratmosphere was thick Sunday night, and the new style this season mustaches. Myrtle, blacked out, became some sort of drunk zombie. I hear, although I was not there to witness it, that Myrtle was seen, silent, one eye closed, awkwardly lingering by David Blake. That's just what I hear, Myrtle. Vivian also found herself in the bed of an interesting Indian does the brown man taste, Viv?
Monday night was also a success, and Pearl was seen raging and performing her stellar dance moves in the middle of the great hall. She then vomited and awoke in Pokey's bed, fully clothed, while he was completely naked. I'm not completely sure what happened, but I think it was some weird, freaky, sacrificial sex game. I don't though, I just get that vibe.
Jersey Tuesday was a subdued affair, Agnes proved her utter lack of social skills, and the night ended with a rousing and embarassing game of Never Have I Ever...
Montana, just where did that bruise on your nose come from? A rousing game of hide and go seek? Role playing? Tae bo? No? Ohhhhhh, it was an awkward and uncoordinated attempt to prevent KC from tasting Southern Montana? Hmm....see Myrtle's story below.
Vivian redeemed herself when she shacked, innocently, with only a few tender kisses, with a Mr. Hatfield. Well played, sir, well played.
Thursday was a typical Thursday. Blackouts and casual sex. Nothing new.
SPOTTED: Prudence and Fusak whispering sweet nothings into eachother's ears at Beta. Our sweet and modest Prudence is reluctant to admit that their love is blossoming like a rosebud in the early spring, but I cannot be fooled.
Agnes had a wonderful night Saturday, in which she managed to lose the shittiest phone on Earth, her liscense, pee her pants on the front steps, and wake up on Esther's cozy, cozy floor. I say this proudly and unashamed. Myrtle, on the other hand, gave Clarence a delicious snack that was her most precious jewel. That jewel being her woman parts, and I hear he is hungry for more. Esther has been spotted, numerous times, having vulgar and detailed phone sex with Floyd. Not really, actually, but since she hasn't done anything really embarassing for me to make fun of her for I can only hope.
Ida. Ida. Ida. Ida like to motorboat those new breasts. Just kidding. Ida like to actually have some actual breasts, is the truth. Or nipples for that matter (Love you, Prude) Good work Ida, Ida just walk around topless, all day, if I were you.
I apologize if this is a lot of information for just one blog, and I vow to be more efficient and timely in the future. It's just that you can't rush art, and it's really exhausting for me to be this pretty and insanely smart at the same time, some would call it a curse. I guess I'll learn how to manage this incomparable charm and dashing good looks one day...
Until then,
p.s. Could someone please tell tubgirl to clean her mess up out of the third floor bathroom? Deb is here to sweep and dust, not wipe up enemic fluid. Next time she'll have to pay a fine.